Tout ce que j'ai fait pour ne pas quitter ma chambre ("Everything I did not to leave my room"), by Valérie Roch-Lefebvre

It's Christmas Day and this is no time to read depressing things. We know that the holidays are not fun for everyone, so we won't add to that. So this review is mostly to tell you to take care of yourself and NOT read this book. Not now, anyway.

Summary

The narrator, when she was young, dreamed of disappearing. If she couldn't take her own life, she could at least hide in her room. She went out as little as possible, spending most of her time eating in bed or talking about suicide on forums.

Now that she is an adult, finds herself huge and has to earn a living, she leaves her room only to go to the hospital, where she works as a telephone operator. She tries to blend in as much as possible with the white walls and does everything to avoid having to talk to her colleagues. She waits for life to pass.

Impressions

I read it in one sitting on the train. Maybe I shouldn't have. I was already in a bad mood because the train was seven hours late, but this book just put the nail in the coffin. Afterwards, I was quite morose.

The narrator is bipolar, and we have access to all her thoughts. She feels trapped by life, but she doesn't dare kill herself either. She hates her body, but she is forced to live with it. She has to work to survive, but she has no particular interest so she has a low-paying job with no possibility of advancement. She talks with people on forums, but she knows they are not real friends. She has parents, but they are just as bad off as she is.

What is particularly disturbing is that her reflections, induced by mental illness, are not too far removed from what we might think about when we are tired or sad. At such times, it is true that life can seem tedious and futile. Many of us have experienced depressive episodes: imagine if these episodes went on for a lifetime.

I was already not in the best state of mind, and I was starting to find life quite grey. And this is not at all what I was looking for. Especially since I can't do much for this imaginary girl, or for all the real people who suffer from mental illness.

So for the holiday season, instead of having a rather useless down , choose one of my favoritesThey're not all joyful, they all have an important part of beauty. What I did not find in Tout ce que j'ai fait pour ne pas quitter ma chambre ("Everything I did not to leave my room").