Loving What Is

The other day I woke up feeling as if someone was pressing on my chest with all their might. I had just had a very long and detailed dream of a meeting, 8 years later, with an old friend who decided to go on her way without me. I wanted to understand why she had left like that, and she refused to answer me. She stayed far away, even if I shook her by the shoulders and yelled at her. The frustration and despair I felt was not at all foreign to me. These are still the emotions I have when I think about her too much.

But the reality is that she made it very clear that she didn't want to see me again, and her attitude is very consistent with her words. She left, and when I woke up way too early with all this emotional turmoil the other day, I decided it was past time I made peace with it.

So I went and bought Loving What Isby Byron Katie, who Brooke Castillo told me a lot about in her podcast. She was an absolutely major influence for her. She said that she was the one who allowed her to finally make peace with her past. She now understands that, as Byron Katie says, when you argue with reality, you lose... but only 100% of the time.

When you argue with reality, you lose... but only 100% of the time.

Two days later, I had finished it, and I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

Summary

Byron Katie says she "woke up to reality" in 1986. Her realization is rather banal: reality is what it is, and it doesn't care what we think about it. Our suffering comes from resisting it. To put it differently, it is our thoughts about reality that make us suffer, not reality itself.

It sounds silly, but this concept, that our thoughts create our emotions and not reality itself, was completely foreign to me a year or two ago. I was sure that it was what was happening in my life that was making me unhappy, and I felt completely powerless, because my ability to change the world is extremely limited. This is a well-known fundamental reality, and most people I talk to about my discovery look at me like I'm retarded, but I don't know why, I didn't figure it out for myself. I had to learn it. That's what self-help books are for.

No one can hurt me emotionally. That's my job.

Byron Katie has developed a simple model for deconstructing the thoughts that make us suffer. The easiest way is to start by applying it to people. Here's how it's done.

First, we sit down with a piece of paper and a pencil and answer the following questions, letting our inner resentful, unjust, etc., self run free. This is not the time to be an enlightened sage.

1- In this situation, who makes you suffer and why?

2- In this situation, how would you like the person to change? What would you like them to do?

3- In this situation, what advice would you give them?

4- What would you need this person to say, do, think or feel for you to be happy in this situation?

5- What do you think of this person in this situation? (It is the time to be really mean.)

6- What is it about this situation that you never want to experience again?

Then we take everything we've written, and go over it with these four questions:

• Is it true?
• Can you be absolutely sure that it's true?
• How do you react, what happens, when you believe this thought?
• Who would you be without this thought?

Then, we turn everything we wrote backwards, and see if it's more, less, or as true as the original sentence. Example: She hates me becomes I hate her, or I hate myself. Is this as true, or more true?

The book describes in detail this methodology, which applies not only to people but to any situation, and offers transcripts of discussions Byron Katie had with people who were suffering and who had answered the preliminary questions. Byron Katie helps them to interrogate their thoughts, and we see the suffering change to relief and laughter.

If I had a prayer, it would be this, "God, spare me from the desire to be loved, approved or liked. Amen."

Impressions

I told you about The Joy Diet., which I loved. When I finished the book, I was sure it would change my life, but I also thought it would take a lot of work. 10 things to do every day, a bit difficult to remember, not necessarily easy to fit into your day, with instructions that are not always clear... Surprise surprise, three months later, I can tell you that I don't do any of these steps. I still really loved my reading and it stays in my head constantly. But to follow everything to the letter, you have to stay motivated for a long time.

Loving What Is, in comparison, is a paradise of clarity. When you get frustrated, you sit down, answer predetermined questions, go over your answers with 4 more questions and turn them upside down. That's it. No more.

I applied this process to the situation with my former friend. I discovered, for example, that I can't be absolutely sure that she hates me, and if I let go of that thought, I'd have much less frustration. And if I ran into her on the street, as I did once, I might be able to ask her sincerely how she was doing, instead of shutting down in a stunned silence. I also discovered that I don't actually want to be friends with her again. I have some kind of fantasy in my head of her and me being friends again and laughing out loud like nothing happened. And it's this fantasy that clashes so drastically with reality that makes me suffer. Not the fact that she is no longer in my life.

And then the thought of her hating me is so unbearable, but the reality is that I was often not far from hating her either. The feelings I attribute to her about me are probably a reflection of the feelings I had.

Beware, this process is not magic. I did not let go of all my painful thoughts. As Byron Katie says, we can't let go of our thoughts. But by becoming aware of them and talking about the possibility of letting them go, something opens up in us. And eventually, it is the thoughts that let us down.

Go explore this process. I think it is simple, accessible to all, and truly liberating. And if the principle that thoughts create our emotions doesn't come naturally to you either, this book can teach it beautifully.