Le Kama sutra a l’effet d’un coït interrompu

You surely que vous avez entendu parler du Kama sutra. Ou au moins du 69, source intarissable de blagues cochonnes.

I decided to see what this ultimate classic of erotic literature was like. I had high expectations, and was in the best of mental dispositions to tackle this book.

Summary

Le Kama Sutra est un recueil de conseils de sages sur la vie intime et amoureuse datant du VIe ou VIIe siècle et attribué à Vatsyayana. La version que j’ai lue ne contient pas d’illustrations, et c’est normal; celles-ci ne sont apparues que mille ans après le recueil. Première déception.

The collection is about sex, yes, but not only that. It also explains, for example:

• how to deal with your husband's other wives when you're his favorite;
• how, as a man, to infiltrate a harem;
• what are the best combinations of "lingam" and "yoni" sizes;
• how to seduce a man (tip: leave your hand on his thigh a little longer when you shampoo him...);
• how to check a woman's interest (good tip: wait until she falls asleep, then put your arm around her; if she gets angry when she wakes up, she's not interested);
• what sexual practices are popular with women in different parts of India (Avanti women hate kissing, mind you);
• how to get money out of your lover;
• and other advice of little relevance to modern humans, but quite exotic.

Through it all, you'll see sexual positions go by; 64 in total, not 69. Second disappointment.

Impressions

Ce livre n’était absolument pas ce à quoi je m’attendais. Je m’attendais, en gros, à une série de positions sexuelles décrites en détail. À la place, j’ai eu droit à ces indications laconiques:

When the female raises both of her thighs straight up, it is called the "rising position".

Lorsqu’elle lève ses deux jambes et les place sur les épaules de son amant, on appelle cela la “position du bâillement”.

When the legs are contracted, and thus held by the lover besides his bosom, it is called the "pressed position".

When only one of her legs is stretched out, it is called the "half pressed position".

When the woman places one of hers legs on her lover's shoulder, and stretches the other out, and then places the latter on his shoulder, and stretched out the other, it is called the "splitting of a bamboo".

I've read many sexier things in my life, that's for sure.

Mais, en contrepartie, j’ai obtenu une foule d’informations sur les coutumes d’une certaine partie de la population indienne il y a 1500 ans. J’ai appris que le “shampooinage” était commun (et ne concernait pas que les cheveux, mais aussi le reste du corps), et que les feuilles de bétel étaient the cadeau à faire en toutes situations. Qu’était-ce que le “shampooinage”, et pourquoi le bétel était-il si prisé? Ces choses faisaient apparemment tellement partie des connaissances générales qu’elles ne valaient pas la peine d’être expliquées.

I'm no more knowledgeable about erotica now that I've read the Kama Sutra, and there are certainly much more entertaining ways of learning the famous positions. But I'm glad I read this strange 1500-year-old guide.