The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity, by Esther Perel

To my knowledge, I have never been cheated on. That's not why I decided to read The State of Affairs But relationships are one of the topics I'm most passionate about, and in this area, Esther Perel is hard to ignore. I hear about her everywhere: she has done Ted Talks, podcasts (I listened to Where Should We Begin?), and she has written two acclaimed books: Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, then The State of Affairs. I decided to read The State of Affairs to introduce me to her writing rather than Mating in Captivity because I thought getting cheated on was pretty much the worst thing that could happen to me.

Her book didn't tell me I'm wrong. But it did teach me that if it happens to me, I can get through it.

Summary

It is very difficult to estimate how widespread infidelity is, because no one can agree on its definition. Among Americans, the statistics vary widely, from 26% to 70% for women and 33% to 75% for men. Some people will consider watching pornography to be cheating, while others will accept that their partner is having sex with other people, as long as it's just sex. But no matter which way you look at it, the numbers are growing. And when it gets out, it can be absolutely devastating to the individual, the couple and everyone around them.

Esther Perel, a couples therapist, has taken a great deal of interest in this issue. In her book, she explores all the facets: today's relationships and the unrealistic expectations they carry, what happens when infidelity is discovered, what motivates people to act, and how a couple can get through it. Sometimes, often, couples break up. But sometimes, understanding infidelity allows a couple to get to know each other better, rekindles a flame that may have been extinguished for a long time, and gives them an opportunity to rebuild in strength.

Impressions

How well Esther Perel writes! It is all the more impressive when you learn that she speaks 9 languages. Her book is wonderfully clear, poetic and rigorous. Really, it was awe that I felt. While I thought I was going to be reading a bit heavy and arduous, I devoured the book in two or three days. And rather than darkening my mood, it enlightened me.

And I learned so much. Don't let the idea that this book is only for people who live by infidelity get in the way. No, it isn't. It allowed me to deconstruct the ideas I had about it, with the help of multiple real cases from his therapies. He made me rethink my vision of relationships and what they are supposed to bring me. He made me rethink what it means to love, and what it means to be loved. Most of all, it brought me face to face with the fact that, above all, we are all human, with all that that implies in terms of beauty and suffering.

I was charmed, like the rest of the planet.

Next step: Mating in Captivity.