Attached

I love guys, and I love being in love. But damn it's hard sometimes.

One of my best friends, who knows me very well and has seen me do a lot of silly things over the years, lent me this book. She said she already knew all this, basically, because it's obvious, but sometimes you need to be told.

Relationships are pretty much my favorite subject, and I think the best self-help books are the ones that remind us of what we already know. So it was clear that I was going to read it immediately. Here are my thoughts on it.

Summary

You may have heard of attachment styles before. Or not. I, though being interested in this kind of stuff, didn't know it existed.

Basically, studies show that we can generally fall into one of these three categories of attachment: anxious, avoidant or secure.

The anxious are people who spend a lot of time worrying about their relationship. They seek intimacy, but they live in constant anxiety that their partner will stop loving them and very often ask for reassurance.

The avoidantslike to have sex, but are uncomfortable with emotional intimacy and tend to run away from it. They are most often single, so they are the ones most often encountered when trying to meet someone. Fun fact, anxious and avoidant people often pick each other up. They activate each other's insecurities and experience a lot of ups and downs, which can give them the illusion of passion.

The secures seek intimacy, but they don't cling to it desperately. They don't spend a lot of time worrying because they trust their partner and are comfortable in relationships. Basically, they don't really have a problem with their romantic relationships.

This book contains a test to determine our attachment profile and another to determine our partner's profile. Each type of attachment is explained in detail and comes with advice on how to improve your love life.

Impressions

At the moment, I am in a relationship. I've been living with my boyfriend for several years and in many ways we've been perfectly happy. But before him, it was rock and roll. And unfortunately, I drag my brain everywhere I go, so I certainly wasn't going to get on my little cloud and let myself float just because I finally had a stable relationship. Of course not, that would be boring. I have stupid jealousy attacks, I live in fear that he'll stop loving me overnight (although it's fading with time), I'm constantly thinking about our relationship, I freak out every time we fight, I need him to tell me he loves me all the time, I play manipulative games when I don't get enough attention for my liking, etc.

So it wasn't a big surprise to learn that I have an anxious attachment type. I am clearly part of the target audience for the book: anxious people want to have a good relationship with all their hearts, but it's very difficult for them. And they keep getting involved with avoidants who drive them crazy. Not easy. They need help.

But what was really interesting to know was that my boyfriend has a secure profile. He has no problem telling me he loves me ten times a day if I need it. He's not afraid of commitment. He doesn't see our bickering as a disaster. He doesn't look at other girls. I have to get really creative to find reasons to panic. I finally have time to calm down, and to learn to be happier in relationships.

That's all well and good, but...

The book's solution is rather simplistic: when you are anxious, put yourself with secure people.

I agree, it certainly simplifies things. But it's not going to fix everything, because you don't change your brain when you change your partner. I know what I'm talking about. There may be less reason to panic, but if you're anxious, you're going to stay anxious. You have to dig a little deeper, and the book doesn't really show you how to do that.

And there's one statistic that often goes unnoticed: women tend to be anxious, and men tend to be avoidant. Why do you think that is? Could it have anything to do with the fact that women are told from the time they are little that the ultimate dream is to find Prince Charming? And that men are told that having emotions is not manly, and that women constantly want to trap them into stable relationships?

I listened to an absolutely brilliant podcast about this. Here it isand I recommend it to you if you are an anxious person like me.

I think learning about this is important. But be careful not to label yourself too quickly. It's all a work in progress. There is love for everyone on this planet, including you.